Friday, July 24, 2009

Say Whats Real!!

10:57 pm.

blog will be written over
a course of hours cause I might
take ALOT! of breaks LOL
or it could take 2.9 seconds.
just depends on how long I can focus.
I need to be tested for A.D.D.
hyper is NOT! in my category.

so lately I've been having so many
mixed emotions its crazy.
or maybe I feel like this every summer
which is why I secretly disappear frm
the world, during this disappearance
I am able to THINK! relax, be ANGRY!
worry, cry, blah blah blah etc.

during this disappearance the disruptions
are kept to a minimum. I'm usually phnless
in the summer which works to my benefit.
friends cnt get in contact w/ me. ppl in general.
my parents work so I'm hme alone during the day.
nd at night whn I'm awake till 3 or 4.
its quite.

I'm addicted/n love w/ night but ironically.

I'm scared of the dark.

have you ever felt um I can't think of a word to
describe it, mayb overwhelmed w/ life.

I tend to get overwhelmed.

I feel like I've lost myself.
I know who I am, but I've pretended
for so dmn long that it seems like
acting is turning into a real life screen
play. but of course. it'll be hollywood-ized.

I feel like ppl dnt know ME!
like I've painted this picture
and its no longer make believe
its REAL! like when mary poppins
hoped into the painting and it became

or have you ever felt regret.
About the past and how it didnt play out like
you planned and now your somewhere
in life but it wasnt apart of the
dream you had cooked up.

ex: everyone has a dream such as
them becoming a doctor and living
this life w/ the wife and kids.
or maybe you just had opportunities
in life that you couldnt take bcause
of this nd that nd shit.

so you sit bck nd think what couldve been.

or you think if I would have dne this
mayb I'd be this way or life would b a
whole lot easier.

I sometimes catch myself doing that.
nd get angry in the process nd BLAME!
everyone but myself. and my excuse
for blaming them is I was young so it
was their responsibilty.

but I've come to realize.
life isnt meant to be easy.
and everytime I ask myself
questions like why wasn't I born
w/ a silver spoon in my mouth
or why do I have to go through
so dmn much.

it is all part of GOD's! plan for me.
and it'll only make me stronger.
so instead of being angry all the time
I need to learn how to be thankful!
for him allowing me to go through
so much. it'll only make me a better person
a wiser person a amazing/great person.
so I'd like to thank GOD! for all the many
lessons he has taught me.
also I must realize their are ppl out
there who have to deal w/ much more thn
me. so I must also thank GOD! for allowing
me live the life I have and coming so far!!
and for blessing me the way he has.

also, I've realized that I am truly lost.
I have no idea what I want for myself or
what it is that I want to do w/ my life.
because I live for everyone else.
I try to fit in! I try to be like everyone!
I try to please everyone.
but what about me!!

so as of today!!

I am living for me.
fuck the picture I painted.
fuck the mask I wear.

its time I reveal who I am.
its time I come into my own.
its time I live my LIFE!
its time for me to reintroduce myself
to world.

and this time.
its 100 percent real.
take it or leave it.

and although I dont expect
this new journey to be easy.
I know it'll be amazing.
though all the good and bad times
to come. I'll be happy doing it.

I'm Gonna Make A Change,
For Once In My Life
It's Gonna Feel Real Good,
Gonna Make A Difference
Gonna Make It Right...

I'm Starting With The Man In
The Mirror
I'm Asking Him To Change
His Ways
And No Message Could Have
Been Any Clearer
If You Wanna Make The World
A Better Place
Take A Look At Yourself, And
Then Make A Change
-Michael Jackson
Man In The Mirror.

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